I stumbled upon this sweet video on Facebook yesterday. I am no relationship expert, simply because I have never been in more than one true relationship in my life, but I have gone through some of its sweetest moments and also some of its bitter ones. Tendencies to click on such videos on Facebook is very low. However, its title got me curious and here we are now; an entry.
For those who have low tolerance towards such videos and its automated choice of music, I have summarised its points here for you:
- Support each other.
- Be attentive.
- Give them time to be alone.
- Don’t criticize or condemn.
- Share your worries. And concerns.
- Learn to forgive and forget.
- Never give up even if you don’t succeed.
As if following these steps you will bake yourself the most beautiful batch of cookies. Not entirely true, but remember these are steps to follow if you want a happier relationship. If your relationship is not working out at all, your attempts with these seven steps will be futile. The keyword here is ‘Happier’. If it is altogether sorrowful, there will never be a ‘Happier’ in your relationship. You need another video for that.
But today, let us talk about this video. I love the animation albeit the simple guitar music. These steps mentioned above are pretty simple to digest yet so hard to follow. We need a breakdown.
Support each other. No, it isn’t about the time you carry her shopping bags or you cheering during his soccer match. It is beyond that. Now, imagine you trying to put your proposal out in a board meeting, and by the end of your presentation, everybody in the room, from the chairman to the executives, all had a blank face. You start to worry… palms get sweaty… mom’s spaghetti… At that moment, somebody in the room raises his hand and gives you a thumb up and voices his agreement with your proposal. That feeling. That feeling that somebody supports you is the kind of support we need in our relationship more than the usual “let me carry this for you” or “go on, I believe you can do it”. To know, or without knowing, that she speaks highly of you to her group of girlfriends is the kind of support he needs. A team supports one another and never will they speak ill of each other to any outsider. Your relationship is your game and you and your partner makes the team, anybody else from the outside is not part of your game. Only two of you can make it work. Therefore, support one another. Back to the proposal I mentioned earlier. You ask, “but what if it is a shitty bad proposal she’s making in the board meeting!?”. Fair enough. A team will still show support in the face of outsiders. Once in private, the team for the game, which is the two of you, should discuss and iron things out.
This brings me to point number four. Do note that from now onward, the points may jumble accordingly to my flow.
Don’t criticize or condemn. I’ve once read a very good book by Dale Carnegie and he pointed out that people do not blame themselves for anything, and therefore they don’t take criticism well. Criticizing will only put him onto a defensive mode and he will strive to justify himself. This act of condemning an action is dangerous because it wounds his pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment. I am going to make a few analogies, and I was often told that I make very poor ones, exaggerated and completely out of point, but I am going to try. Husband comes home drunk, though he knows his wife hates it when he drinks. She starts yelling and condemns him to never drink again. Instead of criticizing him, she could try to understand why he did the things he did. Stress at work maybe? Who knows. That will be more profitable and intriguing than criticism. It breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. Remember, when we criticize or share disagreement, a small gap grows between us. This hole can only grow bigger and bigger if there is no solution to it. However, this gap is natural and we all share that little differences between one another. It is the act of understanding that bridges these gaps and make us unperturbed by such holes in our relationship. Instead of jumping straight into a habitual complaining, condemning and criticizing mode, think of how counter-productive it can be and skip straight to understanding. I know criticizing may feel good for you. But it only wounds your partner in this game. Remember? Support each other, don’t criticize or condemn.
Share your worries and concerns. Instead of waiting for her to ask if you are having a bad day therefore you want to indulge and wallow in self pity and drown yourself with alcohol, approach her and share your worries and concerns. This may save you both a hell load of trouble. It takes great character to be understanding and forgiving, and it takes great courage to be honest and open. Let us face it. In place of other strength, we may lack that courage or that character. After all, we are merely human. Nonetheless, we can always try. So, when he comes to you to share his concerns and worries, be prepared to have your mind and heart opened. Be ready to hear things you may not want to hear. If your reaction to his worries and concerns are negative, he may very well learn not to share his thoughts with you anymore. And with that, say hello to Bacardi.
Give them time to be alone. Does this mean that he deserves the rights to be alone to solve his own problems? He should be allowed to be alone with Bacardi and also that bitch named Tequila? No. It is often true that men likes to solve their own problems, this makes them feel useful and resourceful. Often when a man comes to you with their problems, they mean to say “I am at my wits end and I need your help with this”. Women on the other hand enjoys pouring out their problems to other women for advice in return. In this game called a relationship, there is no man and no woman. Both is as one. They work as a team. And in a team, they solve problems together. She has to be careful not to make him feel useless and he has to be mindful to include her and not make her feel left out. So what kind of time alone are we talking about here? Literally, time off. We all need our personal space. Be careful if he wants to cuddle all the time and know what you are doing or off to. Red flag alert if she wants you to come along to every girls-night and also wants to tag along for all your boys-night. We all need our personal space. We all need our personal space. We all need our personal space. She needs her personal space and time. He too requires his own personal space and time. Girl, go bake your own cake. Boy, go catch your own fish. “Fine! I will let you go fishing with your friends and I promise I will not be angry about it and I will stay home and netflixxx alllllll day,” infliction of guilt, be it big or small, on your partner while allowing them to have their own time off is no real time off at all. He is going to be thinking about you while fishing in a very resentful way. This will be counter-productive. Find your own cake to bake.
Be attentive. When you notice that she is not smiling as much this week as she used to, something is wrong. Come home earlier from your fishing and it may put a smile on her face. Be attentive to all the small detail in your relationship. She did not and will not be upset that you went out, but she definitely will be happier if you came home early to spend the night. This is the kind of love that the both of you should share. Sometimes we lack that courage to share everything and we extend our expectations to our partners. It is completely right to set expectations on our partners. You should be attentive and know when she is feeling under the weather. You should be attentive to his exam schedule and know when he is anxious about his results. If you do not pay attention to such detail, who else in your relationship will? You are there for him, and he is there for you. Both of you should be attentive to one another. Allow and give each other the opportunity to show that they care. One common mistake is that we can be too nice and we turn them down and discourage them of their turn to show their concern. When he turns up with chocolates when you are down, you may say “aiyo, don’t need la”, or when she comes to our soccer match, you may say “aiyo, what you doing here? go home study ba, later fall sick”. Be attentive to realise and allow your partner to shine, to care and to show concern. Being attentive works both ways, not just one.
Learn to forgive and forget. When we demand attention from our partner, we set a certain expectation for them to fulfill. Sometimes, on a bad day, they may fail that expectation and disappoint. Remember that when we set an expectation, we are not only giving ourselves an opportunity to be satisfied with our partner’s performance but we are also setting and allowing ourselves a chance to be disappointed. And when we become disappointed, we remember and harp on it instead of forgiving and forgetting. As if a relationship has not enough hurdles and obstacles, we set up more traps with our expectation so we can see our partner pass the test or fail and fall. However, is it wrong to have expectations? It is certainly not. We need to set expectations on our partners. Will he clear the bin at home? Will he remember to leave the toilet seat up? Will she allow me to watch the match this weekend? Will she decide on what to eat for once? How we deal with the result of that expectation is the key importance to a happier conclusion. I always believe that we should learn to be happy for the acts our partners do, and not to be upset when certain things, expected or not, are not done. Time for another bad analogy: tonight is my debut performance with my band, and she did not turn up though I wish she did, it is alright, I am not upset. From then, we forgive and we forget. No need to voice it out. Because, we have already put it behind us. But, isn’t this a worry and concern that we should share with our partners as said before? Before you share that, taking that previous example in context, is it a cause for worry and concern? I hardly think so. But if its a continual indifference to what you do that is a worry, do voice it out. But remember, work as a team, support each other and do not criticize, share your concerns. How can we ever forget anything? My auntie Dory could easily do so with her dementia. The keyword here is ‘Learn’.
The last point: never give up even if you don’t succeed. The word I will like to highlight here is ‘Never’. The video did not say “do not give up even if you don’t succeed”. It uses the word ‘Never’. And this word means “never ever”, not “do not” or “not today, maybe tomorrow”. When we give up on something and go back to it, it means this thing is not as important to you and you can afford to just drop it and go back to it anytime again when the weather is better. Your diet will never work if you give up on it after three days of no carbs, and after a week decided to go back to that hellish regime. If things do not work out, always remember to look back at all the previous six steps. And if by then you decide to give up, you are telling your partner that this is not sacred to me and it should not be to you as well. We should never take back somebody who has left you, but we must keep somebody who will never leave you. No matter the reason, once you give up even when things do not succeed as intended, it shows that letting things go is the easiest solution to any thing you do. Giving up is so easy. And when you do it once, she will learn and employ it. A team supports and fight together. If one side decides to give up and get back on track after, the team is not fighting together anymore. They now fight for themselves. Is there a true team? Not really. She knows for certain he may just give up again. And he knows she do not respect this sacred bond anymore because it is fragile and too easily snapped. The keyword to this is once again, ‘Never’. If you ever do feel that way, ask yourself, no matter the reason, for good or for worse, is it worth it to just give things up? If you say yes, or maybe, you know for sure… this is not for you.
I hope my personal enhanced seven steps are in a clearer order. Let us recap in my order:
- Support each other.
- Don’t criticize or condemn.
- Share your worries. And concerns.
- Give them time to be alone.
- Be attentive.
- Learn to forgive and forget.
- Never give up even if you don’t succeed.
One more point did not make it to the list. Learn to compromise and give in when possible. I think this is very important and it works in a very strange and powerful way. You know she likes it extra crispy, but you like it original, yet everytime both of you visit KFC, you end up eating extra crispy and both of you end up very happy and fat. How come? Because it makes her happy to have things her way, and it makes you happy to see her happy. You do not like it when she wears her skirt too short. You do not like it when the first thing he does when he comes home is watch TV. Compromise. How? First, ask yourself this: does it kill me that her skirt is too short or does it kill me if he watches TV first? If no, then there compromise on your part, let him or her be, because most likely they do it because they like things that way. If the answer is yes, then seek to understand why they do it, like the point on criticizing and condemning, we have to ask and find out the reason why they do what they do. She likes her skirt short because it is cooling and trendy, he does not like it because it attracts uninvited attention. He watches TV when he comes home because it helps him to unwind, but she feels neglected. Now, if both party understands each other, each should compromise on their part. If he chooses to watch TV, let him be, and if he does not, be happy about it and thank him for choosing otherwise. Remember the point of setting expectations? It works this way too. If she chooses to wear her skirt short, let her be, but if she chooses to don a long dress for you during friend’s party, appreciate and understand that she is compromising, celebrate and be happy. Compromise when necessary and possible, if it makes your partner happy, let it be. But if it indeed kills you, do not give in. Talk things out.
Let these steps be like a little light through your next relationship. Be a little cute happy little fish like this one below. Swim through the murky and difficult waters of love and find that eternal bliss. Remember, never give up, keep swimming. At the end of the day, we are merely still human.
gildon c. 